ShoutYourHeadOff

Category: Life & Emotions

Grief, emotional wellbeing, and reflective writing

  • Six Years On — Life After Loss

    Six years. That’s how long it’s been since I lost my wife.

    August 2019. A date that is burned into me in a way that nothing else quite is. She had been ill for years — I had been her carer, her companion, her everything — and yet when the moment came, nothing truly prepares you for it. The house that had been full of her presence became something else entirely. Quieter. Heavier. A different place.

    I wasn’t sure I’d write about this. I find it easier, sometimes, to write about walking — the paths, the weather, the people I meet along the way. Walking, I’ve discovered, is a very good way of not having to sit still with your thoughts. But the thoughts find you anyway. They always do.

    The first years

    The first two years after losing her were the hardest of my life. That’s saying something, given that the years before — watching her decline, being her carer, holding everything together while quietly falling apart myself — were not easy either. But grief in those early years was total. It was in every room, every meal, every quiet evening, in the music, the TV shows, the clothing etc.

    Then Covid came, and I spent ten days in an isolation ward not knowing if I would come home. In a strange way, that experience shook something loose in me. When I was discharged and began the slow walk back to health, I made myself a promise: I was going to live. Really live. Not just get through the days.

    Six years on

    What do I say about the past six years? They have been challenging, yet deep down, I felt that she would have wanted me to embrace life and even seek companionship again. We had had conversations about this long before her illness, discussing the difficult topic of “what will you do when I die?” This was a reality we both acknowledged, regardless of who would face it first. To be candid, even with those discussions, I wasn’t truly ready for the heartache that came with her passing. According to Hindu customs, the first fifteen days of mourning seem to go by in a blur, filled with well-wishers that leave little room for personal grief. The true weight of loss hits when that support fades away, leaving an overwhelming sense of emptiness. Honestly, if it weren’t for my work, I fear I would have found it incredibly difficult to manage. Recently, my niece, who is navigating her own journey through grief, asked me how I coped, reminding me of the need for connection and understanding in these trying times.

    And truly, taking it one day at a time was how I navigated the pain of my loss and feelings of loneliness. It brings me joy to share that I’ve made significant progress, embracing a new chapter in my life since retirement, where I’ve learned to live for myself and find happiness again.

    What she would have made of all this

    I know that my wife would have felt immense pride in me. She would have celebrated my accomplishments, particularly the milestone of receiving my first medal for completing a million steps. I find myself yearning for a little self-praise, too. The Ramblers truly transformed my life; I forged new friendships, discovered hidden walking paths, and savored wonderful moments with great company. When I close my eyes and think of my wife, I envision her radiant smile, reflecting the joy that she genuinely embraced.

    Carrying on

    Grief, I’ve learned, doesn’t end. It changes shape. It becomes part of you rather than something that is happening to you. There are days when it is very heavy and days when it sits more quietly. I have learned to be grateful for both — the heavy days remind me how much she mattered, and the quieter ones remind me that I am still here.

    And I am still here. Writing, walking, getting on with it. She would have expected nothing less.

    — Anil

  • My Emotional State -Revisited

    My Emotional State -Revisited

    The last time I wrote about my emotional state was way back in 2017. Almost five years now, and the rollercoaster of emotions is still in full flow. For everyone, and myself and my family, the past two years have been very difficult indeed due to the Covid pandemic and subsequent lockdown.

    Going backward, I talked about my wife who was very ill and had been given a maximum of 5 years to live. Unfortunately, she passed away in August 2019. And then about 9 months later, my eldest sister passed away, at the end of April 2020. Many other relatives have died too, but sometimes,in times of your own grief, even this is difficult to talk about. It was already a difficult time and losing family members at the very difficult time of the Covid 19 lockdown was harder as people were not allowed to say goodbye to loved ones in the hospital. Added to that, funerals were a maximum of 10 attendees. My emotional state in 2017 wasn’t revealed fully. As humans, we often can’t open up fully about our emotions and when they are heightened, then it’s even more difficult. I was hoping that I wasn’t going to use the word”depression” or “depressed”. Owning up that there is something seriously wrong with your mind, and body and feelings don’t come easily, because acceptance of that fact by the self is the first step. I wanted so much to open my mind to someone professional or even a close friend or a stranger even. Things building up needed to come out, but the bottle top was tightly shut and wasn’t budging. The days going forward got harder and I was putting on the biggest pretense of my life. I was behaving normally every day, and little did people know what was really happening inside. I should have won an Oscar for my performance from 2017 till even now in 2021.

    When I look back and analyze what was going wrong, it makes me too emotional. I was dealing with a lot of traumatic incidences in my life, and also learning to be a full-time carer to someone who was the most active, exuberant, lively, happy-go-lucky person that I had the pleasure of knowing and being a husband to. When someone, whose personality I have just described goes into a serious illness and isn’t able to even look after her basic needs is in a more emotional upheaval than yourself. So then, how could I have shown my softer side that was also killing my thought process? It was killing my feelings. It was killing how I interacted daily, especially when I had to put on an act. It was killing me physically too as I wasn’t taking care of my own health. And the heart problem I had in 2016 was a reminder of how quickly one’s life can take a drastic turn. It could have been fatal, but I survived.And thankfully too. Because I always think, about how my wife would have coped if I hadn’t been around. I am forever thankful to God for saving me and making me be a carer to someone, whom I had loved with all my heart and spent 40 happy years with.

    You know, watching someone die daily in front of your eyes is extremely hard. Because you feel so so helpless. You can go about your daily life, wishing, praying, looking for a miracle, and knowing that it’s not coming.

    Back to my emotional state. Back in 2017, I was in a bad state, and now in 2021, I am in the same state, but coping better. Losing my wife was tough and every lonely second makes it tougher. I am quite a strong-minded person and usually deal with all my problems, even though I know that I need to get that help, which we all know is out there. I took that step once, guided by my elder brother, who took it upon himself to book me a free session. I went to the counselor. Before reaching her office, I had my trepidations but went there anyway. I sat opposite her, having been made comfortable and relaxed. As the questions came, with an invitation to say what I needed to, without being led there, I had already broken down into my second or third sentence. I tried to compose myself. It was no good. That pent-up emotion was bubbling out fast, making me hurt even more. I couldn’t carry on. I had to excuse myself, to use the bathroom hoping to go back and start afresh. No way. It was not happening. I thanked the nice lady and decided to leave. When I sat back in the car, I broke up again. I knew what was wrong. I knew what was getting into my head. I knew this was the path to take. Cry. Weep. Sob, whatever, just get back in there and start again. Instead, the demon that has been destroying my insides, won. I drove off.

    Can you imagine how I was feeling of late? If I can’t talk to a professional, then who?

    I know that what I have bottled up needs to escape from within. It going to hurt something crazy. But I have to do it, or the pent-up emotions, feelings, state of mind are going to destroy the essence of my soul.

    I’ve got a set of oracle cards given to me by my daughter a couple of years ago. They are called “Messages from your Animal Spirit Guides”. I am a bit of a sceptic when it comes to horoscopes and similar types of cards, eg, Tarot cards. However, I have had surprising results on many an occasion. I saw the box lying on the kitchen counter and decided to pick three random cards after a good shuffle. And the animals that would be my spirit guides came out as “PUEO”(poo-ay-oh) which is a hawaiian owl. The short message on the card was “your spirit guides are offering guidance now, so pay close attention to signs and omens from them”

    There is a full explanation in the guide book that accompanies the cards. I was quite surprised by this card as it was telling me that I was being guided by some ancestors that have died, no matter when and how old. I lost my brother-in-law on the 5th of January 2022. How odd. My wife died on 5th of August 2019. So who is guiding me . I have been in a quandary about a personal matter that I have not dealt with yet. There have been many deaths in the family in the past 25 years or so. And so it could be anyone, but I feel, it may be someone I think of daily.

    My second card was a Penguin. “the period of darkness you have been experiencing is passing” read the short message. When I read the full explanation, I was again aghast with surprise. without going into great detail, it told me everything that I have been trying to write about in this emotional rollercoaster of mine. Almost to the letter, there were things in there that came up that were and have been part of my upheaval and healing process. It talked about all the hardships and challenges I have been experiencing of late. It talked about the loss of loved ones. It talked about daily difficulties. And so it went, revealing a surprising amount of what my emotional state is all about. Maybe, these words in the guide will help me do the self healing?

    And the final card was a Weasel. The short note read “be silent, pay attention and simply observe with your eyes, ears, and physical feelings what is happening inside and all around you”. The detailed content in the guide talked about the stuff I have endured so far and how I should take a deep breath and another and another and then listen to my enviornment , my body, the feelings I have etc. As I had dealt myself these three random cards, and being the non -believer that I can be, I felt a little energised. I felt maybe, even though these are just oracle cards, maybe, there is some thruth in what each one portrays. For me, it was exactly what is, and has happened in my life so far. I don’t intend to pull another three cards tomorrow, but the temptation remains in the form of intrigue.

  • My Emotional State

    My Emotional State

    So weeks have gone past and my pen or keyboard has seemed to dry up. Words started to escape me and I found it difficult to express my feelings. I worked the whole of last week starting at 5 am and finishing at 2 pm.However, it didn’t end there as I then I would start my full-time task as a carer to my wife. 24 hours in a day seem not enough and at the end of the week, time, and tiredness catch up with me. Falling asleep at every rest period on the sofa is a regular occurrence. Power naps are a part of my life at the moment and the real sleep only comes on my rest days when I can sleep in for a bit.

    As I lay there in my wife’s hospital supplied bed, I kept wondering what was happening to me. I was exhausted, to say the least. I felt constantly emotional. I could not get up and get on with my daily life. I felt that a weight was on top of me and holding me back. Weighing me down.My brain was thinking one thing and I wanted to do something else. I kept wondering if I was suffering from depression too. My emotional state every day was now causing me to worry.

    I have been away again for weeks. I could not carry on as I became occupied and my emotional state was getting the better of me. I am normally very good at coping with my challenging situation. Most people tell me that they find it amazing how I do things. How I cope with the daily challenges and still smile and go to work.

    What people don’t know is that my life is a complete and utter mess. I want to clean this mess, that I call my life. It is the most difficult, if not impossible to admit this even to myself. Normally a strong minded person, good at dealing with difficult situations and most importantly, staying calm and focused on getting on with it. But I lost it yesterday with someone. Not my wife I must add. I didn’t want to scream at her or above all, loose my composure. Showing a weakness was extremely hurtful to me. I was shaking inside. My heartbeat was up and my forehead was full of sweat. I felt this burning feeling in my body, like when you are hot with a temperature. My hands were shaking and my palms were damp. I didn’t believe that someone could consume me with anger so much. I had to walk away, so I went upstairs and ran the bath! I was actually about to that before I lost it! I shut the door and ran the cold water tap for a few seconds to get the water colder. I threw some over my face and wet my hair. I felt a cooling sensation. Phew!! Any more time with her downstairs and I would surely have lost it completely. Mental note, “must not be vulnerable like this again.”

    I just got into work. It is 21:56 pm. I swipe in. There is just me and the Team Leader in the front office reception area. He comes over as I am putting down my rucksack in the usual desk that I sit at. He shakes my hand to welcome me and asks me how I am? And lo and behold I face downwards, walk past him to the back of the partition and break up. Crying!! Never have I before done this. I don’t normally show anyone my emotional state. I am good at hiding pain!

    What is happening? I am seriously losing it.

    I walk away, into the disabled toilet. Again a cold water remedy to get me back together.

    I can’t let this happen. I get my composure back, Apologise to the Team Leader, whose response was as expected. “don’t worry have some time at the back”. “We all get like this sometimes” ” Go, please get some time to gather yourself.”

    But I couldn’t because I would have lost it more. I buried my head in work and started serving customers, who, luckily for me, began to come in one by one.

    This time I have had two close calls. I cannot break down or lose it. I have to be the Scorpio character that people tell me I am. Not good at pretending and making up stories. For me, it has always been the whole truth or nothing else. Emotion is to me, who I am at my worst, if I am crying! Happy emotion is when I am always smiling, but these two occasions have dented my strong pride and surely I can’t be going in the downward spiral?

    What next? I need help and know how and where to get it, however it’s not as simple as that. Sometimes the most easiest things seem the hardest and this is one of those situations where it is hard.

  • To Sleep ,Perchance to Dream

    To Sleep ,Perchance to Dream

    I went to bed quite late the other night. I was on a very early start for work and needed a much deserved sleep prior to facing another challenging day. As I lay in bed looking at the ceiling where luminous stars had been stuck to imitate the starry night outside, my mind kept wondering to a what if situation. I kept thinking back to 1972 when I first landed in my country of residence with only the clothes on our backs. My mind was wondering if I had settled somewhere else instead of Leicester, where would I be today. I had started work at the tender age of fifteen and a half ! I had lied to get the job and told them I was sixteen.

    So I suddenly wake up, or had I slept at all even? I could not for the life of me close my  eyes and not think of “what If”.

    And the what if’s of our lives can bring either miserly depression or a happiness not known to me . I kept thinking about my place of residence. What if I had moved to my choice area.But I needed consent. I was brought up in a house where even as an adult, I would seek permission do do even the simplest of things,like make a decision. A decision that would have changed my life and those around me. The stars were bright again. They shone in the darkness of the room. My eyes were open again. A quick glance at the wall clock. 03.30 am. ! Two hours and I’m at work.

    Eyes closed again. Thoughts are astray, it’s that “what if ” question again. And so many of the what ifs keep trundling through my brain like a runaway train. It’s non stop. I can’t apply the brakes because  I like the what ifs. They are much better than my current status. So what if wins for tonight. It’s taking over my life tonight.

    Another bright star in my eyes. It’s bright yellow. But still on my bedroom ceiling.Another wish shattered. I think a cloud should hide them stars. Maybe it should rain while I’m looking up. I’ll wake up drenched and see reality.

    The time is 4.45am Time to jump out of bed as the alarm goes off in unison to my thoughts. As I open my eyes for the millionth time tonight, the over whelming” what if” comes back to haunt me. I know the rest of my sleep depraved day is going to keep the” what if” alive and well.!!

    I take a deep breath. I look around. Rub my eyes and look at the ceiling. Tired, yes but not out yet. Then it suddenly dawns on me ( no pun intended) . What if this was just a dream. !14Wei_portrait01_20150310