ShoutYourHeadOff

Author: Anil J

  • New Beginnings-Week 3

    Once again a delay in my update. I’m almost into week 4! The diet has been going well and the progress is slow but on track. Another kilo down, with eight more to go. The App I am using has predicted a that I should weigh 83.1kg in five weeks if I carry on the way I am doing. It has been tough though. There are moments when I feel so down, I feel like just stopping and enjoying what I have left. Then, my thinking process brings me back to my goal. I keep reminding myself that if I want to enjoy life as I want to, then having a healthy body, and mind will be better than struggling through. For example,I had covid in early January of 2021, and the breathing problems I had after I got discharged, were so frustrating and debilitating, that it was at this low point that I had made up my mind to get fit again. The exercise regime I followed was as recommended by the physio at the hospital, and I persevered. Not being able to climb the stairs without getting breathless to walking continuously for over an hour on a treadmill and using the indoor cycle, gave me the boost I needed, mentally to achieve this goal I have set for myself. When I said, it’s been tough, this is mainly because of maintaining a single person diet that is enjoyable, interesting and not hard to cook or create. I’m learning new tricks, creating my own recipes that suit my lifestyle and taste. For example, I created a scrambled tofu recipe, with peppers, tomato and onions, with garlic as optional to have in a wrap or on toast or by itself.

    The exercise routine has been hard to keep up it this week because of family demands. But I am now on track again since today. I invested in a static cycle and elliptical trainer. Now I have to make use of them daily by setting myself goals.

    What is my mental/emotional status? That’s one for later. I believe that if the mindset falters, all goals fall by the wayside. And I must say that doing things alone is doable but harder I think. It’s like not being able to show someone your pride in yourself for your achievements, getting that well done pat on the back. Sounds egotistic right? It’s my state of mind. Although these things don’t normally bother me, when the gloom button hits the mind, so does the negative thinking get worse.

    Let’s see what week 4 brings…..soon

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  • New Beginnings-Week 2

    I am a few days late updating my log of the story of the new beginnings. But better late than never, I say. Seriously, though, due to bereavements in the family and covid related illnesses, my focus was elsewhere. Thankfully, it wasn’t me who had the Covid symptoms but a family member. I still managed to keep to my diet and although I did not get the desired weight loss, I am on track.

    Emotionally, it’s been a tough two weeks. Nothing to do with the diet though. I learnt yesterday, that a childhood friend of my wife has lymphoma- cancer of the glands in the neck and is seriously ill. I’m praying for her daily now. The news came as a shock to me. I had not heard from her for nearly a year and I was feeling a bit peeved at not receiving any contact. But I haven’t stopped castigating myself for this feeling I had towards her and am constantly berating myself. You never know the circumstances of someone and having negative views had made me rethink how I feel about close friends who have not stayed in touch. Maybe, they are thinking the same as I am, because I didn’t stay in touch either.

    So I managed to lose only another half a kilo, but small losses over the eight-week target should show the result I am after which is a 10-kilogram weight loss and a possible very positive result with my diabetes’ reversal progress. I have maintained my exercise regime of walking, indoor cycling and stretching daily.

    I also learned from other people who have had strict regimes in their lifestyle. Like eating freshly cooked homemade meals everyday, within diet limits. No junk food or outside sourced food at all. Three meals a day and the last meal of the day should be 6.30pm latest. After that, early to bed for a minimum eight hours sleep. Apparently, the brain works even harder during our sleep, so this is most important for the brain and body to get a really good night’s sleep.

    The above is very hard to follow in today’s busy lifestyles. Maintaining a certain strict regimen in your life takes some doing, especially if you’re in a family unit that has differing dietary needs. But now that I have managed to bring some form of regular eating and exercise habits in my life, I am feeling much better. My body doesn’t ache anymore and my moods are much better, meaning I have clearer thinking through the day. I feel confident, better about myself and look forwards to getting up. I enjoy cooking, experimenting with new dishes that are not fattening, but definitely wholesome.

    Looking forward to write my next update again in week 3…….

  • New Beginnings-Week 1

    New Beginnings-Week 1

    Today, January 3rd, 2022, I have started what I said I would do, and that is to lose weight and reverse my diabetes. My current weight of 91.2 kg will be brought down to 80kg in eight weeks following Dr. Mosley’s advice in his book “The 8 week Blood sugar diet”. The book sounds very logical in its approach to weight loss and sugar control, as explained in detail by Dr.Mosley.

    I am almost a vegan, not fully converted yet so I am having to amend or change some of the recipes provided at the end of the book to suit my lifestyle. But I will keep to the minimum of 800 calories and allow up to 1200 calories on bad days. Coupled with exercise and good eating habits, my target should be reached.

    I’ve been a diabetic since 1992 and determined to get off the tablets completely and the two daily injections which work in combination with the medication. I managed to get in more than my 5000 steps daily target by doing an average so far of 6900 with a maximum of 9000. Light to moderate exercise daily for fitness and the all-powerful positive attitude. Nothing ventured nothing gained, right.

    This is the day one log. Starting weight 91kg, Blood sugar level at 8.9mmol, and blood pressure at 115/77 with a pulse rate of 79. So a good start to the day, and have almost reached the daily calorie count of 800.

    I didn’t cook today as I ate out at a family member’s house. But tomorrow will be different.

    A very good start to my sugar check this morning. It was at 6.1. That made me happy. I was on track.

    I was up quite early so I decided to do half of my daily walk in the morning for 15 minutes and 3000 steps. Nearly there, but just under by a few 100 steps. Not to worry because I had all day to catch up.

    By lunchtime, I had run a couple of errands and then had a Greggs vegetable bake and cinnamon tea followed by a satsuma. I was warned by someone not to drop down to an 800 calorie diet as it would prove to be dangerous due to my diabetic condition, so I have allowed myself to go up to 1200 calories.

    I managed to finish all my steps by 7.30pm and had walked for a total of 45 minutes. And also burned about 300 calories in the process, but I broke my target and achieved 7144 steps. Hooray for me. Self-appreciation for self-encouragement. And what interesting food did I have for dinner?

    I made myself a Tofo salad. I marinated the tofu in soy sauce, salt, black pepper, and achar(pickle) masala, drizzled it with some olive oil, and air-fried them. Yum. I had the tofu with a portion of little gem lettuce, 1 tomato, cucumber, grated carrot, green pepper, and edamame beans, topped with vinaigrette. Yum again.

    Now, I have to be creative tomorrow…….So instead of writing daily, I think weekly will be more digestible(no pun intended). From day three, I had to be more careful as I was constantly thinking of food and what I could eat that would not pile on the calories. I have started to munch on cucumbers, carrots, sugar snap peas to avoid the carbs and maintain my sugar levels. I was advised to increase the daily intake of calories from 800 to about 1500. That is why the weight loss has slowed. I managed to lose 1 kg, but it’s a start. The exercise is going well with the achievement of more than 5000 steps a day. I have been averaging 7000 steps and also 15 minutes on the static bike.

    All in all, I’m pleased with my first week’s progress, although I didn’t lose the expected 2 or 3 kg. But positively thinking, making the start, and maintaining the momentum in the first week has boosted my confidence. I know I can do it too. Week two to follow….

  • New Beginnings

    After opening up about my emotions in my last article, “My Emotional State-Revisited”, Today, the first day of 2022 is my chance to start anew. Start by moving forwards with a renewed vigour. I aim to put the past few years in the back of my memory bank, hopefully, to remain as memory, that I am taking as my lessons in life to go forwards.

    So what are my plans for 2022.

    1/ Get my life back on track. Start Dr. Moseleys 8 week plan to reverse my diabetes. I had started in November 2021, but couldn’t keep a regular pattern. But now I have set the plan, and after tweaking Dr. Moseley’s diet plan to suit my vegetarian/vegan lifestyle, I will succeed. Watch this space for the 8-week journal of my weekly record of changes to my weight, blood sugar levels, and fitness. Also. I will be sharing the recipes that I will be creating for my personal needs.

    2/ My website shoutyourheadoff.com will get more posts on a regular basis on my movement forwards and on positive tones. I need to get back my self confidence and my inner strength to cope in any given situation. Once again, watch this space.

    3/ A new domain by the name “harshaskitchen.uk” will be launched where I will be posting videos and recipes from my grandmother’s days. so once again, watch this space or rather look out for “harshaskitchen.uk.

    I would like to say a big thank you to all the readers and followers of my blogs on “shoutyourheadoff.com” I want to wish all of you a very happy and prosperous new year and a quick return to normality by ridding the country of the Coronovirus. Stay Safe, And look after each other.

  • My Emotional State -Revisited

    My Emotional State -Revisited

    The last time I wrote about my emotional state was way back in 2017. Almost five years now, and the rollercoaster of emotions is still in full flow. For everyone, and myself and my family, the past two years have been very difficult indeed due to the Covid pandemic and subsequent lockdown.

    Going backward, I talked about my wife who was very ill and had been given a maximum of 5 years to live. Unfortunately, she passed away in August 2019. And then about 9 months later, my eldest sister passed away, at the end of April 2020. Many other relatives have died too, but sometimes,in times of your own grief, even this is difficult to talk about. It was already a difficult time and losing family members at the very difficult time of the Covid 19 lockdown was harder as people were not allowed to say goodbye to loved ones in the hospital. Added to that, funerals were a maximum of 10 attendees. My emotional state in 2017 wasn’t revealed fully. As humans, we often can’t open up fully about our emotions and when they are heightened, then it’s even more difficult. I was hoping that I wasn’t going to use the word”depression” or “depressed”. Owning up that there is something seriously wrong with your mind, and body and feelings don’t come easily, because acceptance of that fact by the self is the first step. I wanted so much to open my mind to someone professional or even a close friend or a stranger even. Things building up needed to come out, but the bottle top was tightly shut and wasn’t budging. The days going forward got harder and I was putting on the biggest pretense of my life. I was behaving normally every day, and little did people know what was really happening inside. I should have won an Oscar for my performance from 2017 till even now in 2021.

    When I look back and analyze what was going wrong, it makes me too emotional. I was dealing with a lot of traumatic incidences in my life, and also learning to be a full-time carer to someone who was the most active, exuberant, lively, happy-go-lucky person that I had the pleasure of knowing and being a husband to. When someone, whose personality I have just described goes into a serious illness and isn’t able to even look after her basic needs is in a more emotional upheaval than yourself. So then, how could I have shown my softer side that was also killing my thought process? It was killing my feelings. It was killing how I interacted daily, especially when I had to put on an act. It was killing me physically too as I wasn’t taking care of my own health. And the heart problem I had in 2016 was a reminder of how quickly one’s life can take a drastic turn. It could have been fatal, but I survived.And thankfully too. Because I always think, about how my wife would have coped if I hadn’t been around. I am forever thankful to God for saving me and making me be a carer to someone, whom I had loved with all my heart and spent 40 happy years with.

    You know, watching someone die daily in front of your eyes is extremely hard. Because you feel so so helpless. You can go about your daily life, wishing, praying, looking for a miracle, and knowing that it’s not coming.

    Back to my emotional state. Back in 2017, I was in a bad state, and now in 2021, I am in the same state, but coping better. Losing my wife was tough and every lonely second makes it tougher. I am quite a strong-minded person and usually deal with all my problems, even though I know that I need to get that help, which we all know is out there. I took that step once, guided by my elder brother, who took it upon himself to book me a free session. I went to the counselor. Before reaching her office, I had my trepidations but went there anyway. I sat opposite her, having been made comfortable and relaxed. As the questions came, with an invitation to say what I needed to, without being led there, I had already broken down into my second or third sentence. I tried to compose myself. It was no good. That pent-up emotion was bubbling out fast, making me hurt even more. I couldn’t carry on. I had to excuse myself, to use the bathroom hoping to go back and start afresh. No way. It was not happening. I thanked the nice lady and decided to leave. When I sat back in the car, I broke up again. I knew what was wrong. I knew what was getting into my head. I knew this was the path to take. Cry. Weep. Sob, whatever, just get back in there and start again. Instead, the demon that has been destroying my insides, won. I drove off.

    Can you imagine how I was feeling of late? If I can’t talk to a professional, then who?

    I know that what I have bottled up needs to escape from within. It going to hurt something crazy. But I have to do it, or the pent-up emotions, feelings, state of mind are going to destroy the essence of my soul.

    I’ve got a set of oracle cards given to me by my daughter a couple of years ago. They are called “Messages from your Animal Spirit Guides”. I am a bit of a sceptic when it comes to horoscopes and similar types of cards, eg, Tarot cards. However, I have had surprising results on many an occasion. I saw the box lying on the kitchen counter and decided to pick three random cards after a good shuffle. And the animals that would be my spirit guides came out as “PUEO”(poo-ay-oh) which is a hawaiian owl. The short message on the card was “your spirit guides are offering guidance now, so pay close attention to signs and omens from them”

    There is a full explanation in the guide book that accompanies the cards. I was quite surprised by this card as it was telling me that I was being guided by some ancestors that have died, no matter when and how old. I lost my brother-in-law on the 5th of January 2022. How odd. My wife died on 5th of August 2019. So who is guiding me . I have been in a quandary about a personal matter that I have not dealt with yet. There have been many deaths in the family in the past 25 years or so. And so it could be anyone, but I feel, it may be someone I think of daily.

    My second card was a Penguin. “the period of darkness you have been experiencing is passing” read the short message. When I read the full explanation, I was again aghast with surprise. without going into great detail, it told me everything that I have been trying to write about in this emotional rollercoaster of mine. Almost to the letter, there were things in there that came up that were and have been part of my upheaval and healing process. It talked about all the hardships and challenges I have been experiencing of late. It talked about the loss of loved ones. It talked about daily difficulties. And so it went, revealing a surprising amount of what my emotional state is all about. Maybe, these words in the guide will help me do the self healing?

    And the final card was a Weasel. The short note read “be silent, pay attention and simply observe with your eyes, ears, and physical feelings what is happening inside and all around you”. The detailed content in the guide talked about the stuff I have endured so far and how I should take a deep breath and another and another and then listen to my enviornment , my body, the feelings I have etc. As I had dealt myself these three random cards, and being the non -believer that I can be, I felt a little energised. I felt maybe, even though these are just oracle cards, maybe, there is some thruth in what each one portrays. For me, it was exactly what is, and has happened in my life so far. I don’t intend to pull another three cards tomorrow, but the temptation remains in the form of intrigue.

  • My Emotional State

    Source: My Emotional State

  • My Emotional State

    My Emotional State

    So weeks have gone past and my pen or keyboard has seemed to dry up. Words started to escape me and I found it difficult to express my feelings. I worked the whole of last week starting at 5 am and finishing at 2 pm.However, it didn’t end there as I then I would start my full-time task as a carer to my wife. 24 hours in a day seem not enough and at the end of the week, time, and tiredness catch up with me. Falling asleep at every rest period on the sofa is a regular occurrence. Power naps are a part of my life at the moment and the real sleep only comes on my rest days when I can sleep in for a bit.

    As I lay there in my wife’s hospital supplied bed, I kept wondering what was happening to me. I was exhausted, to say the least. I felt constantly emotional. I could not get up and get on with my daily life. I felt that a weight was on top of me and holding me back. Weighing me down.My brain was thinking one thing and I wanted to do something else. I kept wondering if I was suffering from depression too. My emotional state every day was now causing me to worry.

    I have been away again for weeks. I could not carry on as I became occupied and my emotional state was getting the better of me. I am normally very good at coping with my challenging situation. Most people tell me that they find it amazing how I do things. How I cope with the daily challenges and still smile and go to work.

    What people don’t know is that my life is a complete and utter mess. I want to clean this mess, that I call my life. It is the most difficult, if not impossible to admit this even to myself. Normally a strong minded person, good at dealing with difficult situations and most importantly, staying calm and focused on getting on with it. But I lost it yesterday with someone. Not my wife I must add. I didn’t want to scream at her or above all, loose my composure. Showing a weakness was extremely hurtful to me. I was shaking inside. My heartbeat was up and my forehead was full of sweat. I felt this burning feeling in my body, like when you are hot with a temperature. My hands were shaking and my palms were damp. I didn’t believe that someone could consume me with anger so much. I had to walk away, so I went upstairs and ran the bath! I was actually about to that before I lost it! I shut the door and ran the cold water tap for a few seconds to get the water colder. I threw some over my face and wet my hair. I felt a cooling sensation. Phew!! Any more time with her downstairs and I would surely have lost it completely. Mental note, “must not be vulnerable like this again.”

    I just got into work. It is 21:56 pm. I swipe in. There is just me and the Team Leader in the front office reception area. He comes over as I am putting down my rucksack in the usual desk that I sit at. He shakes my hand to welcome me and asks me how I am? And lo and behold I face downwards, walk past him to the back of the partition and break up. Crying!! Never have I before done this. I don’t normally show anyone my emotional state. I am good at hiding pain!

    What is happening? I am seriously losing it.

    I walk away, into the disabled toilet. Again a cold water remedy to get me back together.

    I can’t let this happen. I get my composure back, Apologise to the Team Leader, whose response was as expected. “don’t worry have some time at the back”. “We all get like this sometimes” ” Go, please get some time to gather yourself.”

    But I couldn’t because I would have lost it more. I buried my head in work and started serving customers, who, luckily for me, began to come in one by one.

    This time I have had two close calls. I cannot break down or lose it. I have to be the Scorpio character that people tell me I am. Not good at pretending and making up stories. For me, it has always been the whole truth or nothing else. Emotion is to me, who I am at my worst, if I am crying! Happy emotion is when I am always smiling, but these two occasions have dented my strong pride and surely I can’t be going in the downward spiral?

    What next? I need help and know how and where to get it, however it’s not as simple as that. Sometimes the most easiest things seem the hardest and this is one of those situations where it is hard.

  • Cancer Changed My Life — Part 2

    ← Read Part 1 first

    As I entered the house, my first thought was to protect Harsha from my fears. Her own fragile state of mind needed careful handling. I went into the lounge and sat down. We had some normal small talk, then I got up to make tea and sandwiches.

    As I came back into the lounge with a tray in my hands, I saw immediately that Harsha was having an epileptic fit and frothing at the mouth. She was semi-conscious. Once again I felt that lonely dread, but quickly gathered myself and rang for an ambulance. It was the 2nd of April 2007, and it was about four in the afternoon.

    I followed the ambulance back to the very hospital I had left only a short time before. My mind was racing. Loneliness engulfed me. In the rush to get Harsha to hospital, I had forgotten to call anyone for help. Mitesh was in North London and Rakhi was at college. Neither could have reached me in time. My sisters or brother could have — but I didn’t want to panic anyone into rushing to the hospital, not until I knew how serious things were.

    My own problems had taken a back seat. I didn’t know which way any of this was going to play out. I also had my pre-assessment at that same hospital the very next morning. How was I going to cope with all of this at once?

    Harsha was admitted to Ward 9 West. She was on a drip and on oxygen. Her condition was not good, but I had no choice but to leave her there and go home.

    Early the next morning, 3rd April, I attended my pre-assessment for the operation to remove one of my tonsils. Everything was arranged. Afterwards I went straight to Ward 9 West to see Harsha. She was sitting up in bed, looking a little worse for wear but better than the day before. I sat down beside her and immediately fell into deep thought.

    What would tomorrow bring? How bad was the cancer? How long did I have? I couldn’t bear the thought. I was already worried about how my family would cope. Most of all I was worried about Harsha. She didn’t have the mental capacity to cope alone. Her memory was failing. She hadn’t been able to look after herself for some time without help — she didn’t even dress herself the way she used to. And then there was Mitesh and Rakhi. What would become of them?

    Try as I might, I couldn’t shake these thoughts. I was numb with fear, but having to show a bravado that simply didn’t exist. Putting on a brave face is never easy. But try I must.

    Late evening, I made my way back to an empty house. My thoughts were stuck in one place. Tomorrow. 4th April. A big day.

    I said my daily prayers and asked for guidance and strength. I hadn’t discussed any of this in detail with anyone except Bipin — my elder brother, the one who had sat on the other end of the phone while I broke down in the car park two days earlier. He knew my troubles, up to a point. I still hadn’t told Mitesh or Rakhi.

    I arrived at the hospital and was taken to Ward 3, where I was prepared for the operation that would determine the type of cancer and how far it had spread. I lay on the operating table while the nurses chatted away cheerfully around me. I don’t remember the moment the anaesthetic took hold.

    I remember being woken and told to sit up. There was only a slight soreness in my throat. I was offered tea and toast. I had to eat — I’m also diabetic. Around midday I was told I could leave. The operation had been successful. Results would be available in a few days.

    The numbness in my head didn’t lift. The negative thoughts kept coming. All I could see ahead was doom and gloom.

    As I walked back into Ward 9 West, I forced myself to change again — to become someone else at the door. Harsha must not have any clue to my troubles. Her health still hadn’t improved. She had already been there three days. I didn’t know how much longer she would need to stay.

    She had her own battles ahead. And mine were only just beginning.

    But I was not about to be defeated. I had already accepted that I had to fight this, and win, and come out the other side. The road was long. The obstacles were many. I would face them one at a time.