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My Emotional State

Published April 8, 2017 by shoutyourheadoff

So weeks have gone past and my pen or keyboard has seemed to dry up. Words started to escape me and I found it difficult to express my feelings. I worked the whole of last week starting at 5 am and finishing at 2 pm.However, it didn’t end there as I then I would start my full-time task as a carer to my wife. 24 hours in a day seem not enough and at the end of the week, time, and tiredness catch up with me. Falling asleep at every rest period on the sofa is a regular occurrence. Power naps are a part of my life at the moment and the real sleep only comes on my rest days when I can sleep in for a bit.

As I lay there in my wife’s hospital supplied bed, I kept wondering what was happening to me. I was exhausted, to say the least. I felt constantly emotional. I could not get up and get on with my daily life. I felt that a weight was on top of me and holding me back. Weighing me down.My brain was thinking one thing and I wanted to do something else. I kept wondering if I was suffering from depression too. My emotional state every day was now causing me to worry.

I have been away again for weeks. I could not carry on as I became occupied and my emotional state was getting the better of me. I am normally very good at coping with my challenging situation. Most people tell me that they find it amazing how I do things. How I cope with the daily challenges and still smile and go to work.

What people don’t know is that my life is a complete and utter mess. I want to clean this mess, that I call my life. It is the most difficult, if not impossible to admit this even to myself. Normally a strong minded person, good at dealing with difficult situations and most importantly, staying calm and focused on getting on with it. But I lost it yesterday with someone. Not my wife I must add. I didn’t want to scream at her or above all, loose my composure. Showing a weakness was extremely hurtful to me. I was shaking inside. My heartbeat was up and my forehead was full of sweat. I felt this burning feeling in my body, like when you are hot with a temperature. My hands were shaking and my palms were damp. I didn’t believe that someone could consume me with anger so much. I had to walk away, so I went upstairs and ran the bath! I was actually about to that before I lost it! I shut the door and ran the cold water tap for a few seconds to get the water colder. I threw some over my face and wet my hair. I felt a cooling sensation. Phew!! Any more time with her downstairs and I would surely have lost it completely. Mental note, “must not be vulnerable like this again.”

I just got into work. It is 21:56 pm. I swipe in. There is just me and the Team Leader in the front office reception area. He comes over as I am putting down my rucksack in the usual desk that I sit at. He shakes my hand to welcome me and asks me how I am? And lo and behold I face downwards, walk past him to the back of the partition and break up. Crying!! Never have I before done this. I don’t normally show anyone my emotional state. I am good at hiding pain!

What is happening? I am seriously losing it.

I walk away, into the disabled toilet. Again a cold water remedy to get me back together.

I can’t let this happen. I get my composure back, Apologise to the Team Leader, whose response was as expected. “don’t worry have some time at the back”. “We all get like this sometimes” ” Go, please get some time to gather yourself.”

But I couldn’t because I would have lost it more. I buried my head in work and started serving customers, who, luckily for me, began to come in one by one.

This time I have had two close calls. I cannot break down or lose it. I have to be the Scorpio character that people tell me I am. Not good at pretending and making up stories. For me, it has always been the whole truth or nothing else. Emotion is to me, who I am at my worst, if I am crying! Happy emotion is when I am always smiling, but these two occasions have dented my strong pride and surely I can’t be going in the downward spiral?

What next? I need help and know how and where to get it, however it’s not as simple as that. Sometimes the most easiest things seem the hardest and this is one of those situations where it is hard.

A Letter of Regret From Your Anxious and Depressed Friend

Published June 14, 2015 by shoutyourheadoff

talkingthisandthat

Dear Friend,

I was not always this way.

I did not always hide away from the general public for months or weeks at a time. Once I was quite confident. I occasionally felt happy. I had a full time job and I could face customers with no concern. I would chat to people over the phone, make an effort to see friends, be interested in daily life. I could cope with negativity. Overcome it, even. I wouldn’t let anything bring me down because I had something inside me that made me keep going out there, into the world, facing it all.

But sometimes, Friend, things happen. Sometimes just one thing. Sometimes many things. The courage to face these things is strong at first, at least stronger than now. But depending on luck, or coincidence, or fate, or opportunity, eventually the voice of that courage for some people is quieter. Weaker…

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Substantiating the journey of my first two books

Published June 9, 2015 by shoutyourheadoff

Serenity's Ashrama

I started writing some years back as a therapy, which gradually turned into my first book, ‘A Chronicle of Karma.’ At the time, I felt like a pregnant mother about to give birth, as it was as though I would explode with the myriad of past impressions, that were haunting my mind like adverts on a film reel. It all descended on me like a burst dam and all I could do, was to keep writing whatever came through and trusting that flow. I didn’t judge myself in the process, as that’s one of the worst things a writer can do. I find that it creates subtle mental blockages. When I satiated all that needed to be expelled from within me, I began to fine tune it all. It was by no means an easy journey, as I was extremely trammeled by various external factors as well.

By the time…

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Recommended Reading: Why I Abandoned My Social Media Presence

Published June 3, 2015 by shoutyourheadoff

Some of my sentiments about the behemoth of social media are expressed here in real terms and mirror what I feel even though my blog hasn’t even taken off as yet.!!

The Daily Post

Have you ever stopped to think about why you are on social media? For me, it has always been about connecting with people, learning from my community, and contributing to that community. Page views, subscribers, followers and fans were never a stand alone goal. They were a means to an end — the promise of a potential connection.

— Annie at Ethical Thinker

Note: The ideas here are targeted more to intermediate/advanced users and bloggers with established followings.

If you’re a new blogger, we can help you get started on social media: we publish resources on building your blog and online presence, and offer Blogging 201: Traffic and Growth, a guided course where you learn alongside other bloggers.

Annie at Ethical Thinker published an interesting read last month on why, after seven years of growing a popular parenting blog and social media presence, she abandoned her following, which…

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Grey Friday

Published May 22, 2015 by ptevani

My first blog post on SYHO and I’m afraid it’s not gonna be chirpy.

I usually am chirpy, but I was anxious about the election results.

When I woke up, the grey clouds told me something that I already knew.

I didn’t vote for the Tories. I never will. I know others that didn’t…so how is this even possible?

It’s a pity Labour didn’t live up to some of our expectations.

There’s many reasons why Labour didn’t win or why we aren’t in the process of creating another Coalition.

I’m always the glass is half full kinda gal, but for one day and a few nights only, I’ll always wonder ‘what if’….

And as someone said to me this week, I leave you with these parting words:

Keep living the dream…

The Moment When President Obama Realized He Needed Luther

Published April 27, 2015 by shoutyourheadoff

This is hilarious if you’re American and understand everything the guy in the back is on about.

Longreads

-From Zadie Smith’s New Yorker profile of Comedy Central stars Key and Peele. Keegan-Michael Key reprised his role as Luther for President Obama’s weekend speech at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

Read the story

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Documentary Photography: Photos of the Week

Published April 11, 2015 by shoutyourheadoff

DOCIT


Check out what PJ students at the International Centre of Photography were up to this week.


1Soumita_FrankFranca2
Light and Shadow/Soumita Bhattacharya

2Soumita_FrankFranca3
Light and Shadow/Soumita Bhattacharya

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Light and Shadow/Soumita Bhattacharya

Grand Central TerminalGrand Central Terminal/Yolande Daeninck

Grand Central TerminalGrand Central Terminal/Yolande Daeninck

Grand Central TerminalGrand Central Terminal/Yolande Daeninck

7PlayingPortraitCamilaSvensonPlaying with Portrait – Camila Svenson/Griselda San Martin

8PlayingPortraitCJPlaying with Portrait – Shih-Chieh Wei/Griselda San Martin

9PlayingPortraitFabiSala
Playing with Portrait – Fabiana Sala/Griselda San Martin

sara frisby - montauk end of the world-1Montauk End of the World/Sara Frisby

10sara frisby - montauk end of the world-2Montauk End of the World/Sara Frisby

11sara frisby - montauk end of the world-3Montauk End of the World/Sara Frisby

12sara frisby - montauk end of the world-4Montauk End of the World/Sara Frisby

13sara frisby - montauk end of the world-5Montauk End of the World/Sara Frisby

14Wei_portrait01_20150310
Portrait – Esteban Kuriel/Shih-Chieh Wei

15Wei_portrait02_20150310Portrait – Esteban Kuriel/Shih-Chieh Wei

16Wei_portrait03_20150310Portrait – Griselda San Martin/Shih-Chieh Wei

New York 14 Arrival on Staten Island/Gareth Smit


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