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My Emotional State

Published April 8, 2017 by shoutyourheadoff

So weeks have gone past and my pen or keyboard has seemed to dry up. Words started to escape me and I found it difficult to express my feelings. I worked the whole of last week starting at 5 am and finishing at 2 pm.However, it didn’t end there as I then I would start my full-time task as a carer to my wife. 24 hours in a day seem not enough and at the end of the week, time, and tiredness catch up with me. Falling asleep at every rest period on the sofa is a regular occurrence. Power naps are a part of my life at the moment and the real sleep only comes on my rest days when I can sleep in for a bit.

As I lay there in my wife’s hospital supplied bed, I kept wondering what was happening to me. I was exhausted, to say the least. I felt constantly emotional. I could not get up and get on with my daily life. I felt that a weight was on top of me and holding me back. Weighing me down.My brain was thinking one thing and I wanted to do something else. I kept wondering if I was suffering from depression too. My emotional state every day was now causing me to worry.

I have been away again for weeks. I could not carry on as I became occupied and my emotional state was getting the better of me. I am normally very good at coping with my challenging situation. Most people tell me that they find it amazing how I do things. How I cope with the daily challenges and still smile and go to work.

What people don’t know is that my life is a complete and utter mess. I want to clean this mess, that I call my life. It is the most difficult, if not impossible to admit this even to myself. Normally a strong minded person, good at dealing with difficult situations and most importantly, staying calm and focused on getting on with it. But I lost it yesterday with someone. Not my wife I must add. I didn’t want to scream at her or above all, loose my composure. Showing a weakness was extremely hurtful to me. I was shaking inside. My heartbeat was up and my forehead was full of sweat. I felt this burning feeling in my body, like when you are hot with a temperature. My hands were shaking and my palms were damp. I didn’t believe that someone could consume me with anger so much. I had to walk away, so I went upstairs and ran the bath! I was actually about to that before I lost it! I shut the door and ran the cold water tap for a few seconds to get the water colder. I threw some over my face and wet my hair. I felt a cooling sensation. Phew!! Any more time with her downstairs and I would surely have lost it completely. Mental note, “must not be vulnerable like this again.”

I just got into work. It is 21:56 pm. I swipe in. There is just me and the Team Leader in the front office reception area. He comes over as I am putting down my rucksack in the usual desk that I sit at. He shakes my hand to welcome me and asks me how I am? And lo and behold I face downwards, walk past him to the back of the partition and break up. Crying!! Never have I before done this. I don’t normally show anyone my emotional state. I am good at hiding pain!

What is happening? I am seriously losing it.

I walk away, into the disabled toilet. Again a cold water remedy to get me back together.

I can’t let this happen. I get my composure back, Apologise to the Team Leader, whose response was as expected. “don’t worry have some time at the back”. “We all get like this sometimes” ” Go, please get some time to gather yourself.”

But I couldn’t because I would have lost it more. I buried my head in work and started serving customers, who, luckily for me, began to come in one by one.

This time I have had two close calls. I cannot break down or lose it. I have to be the Scorpio character that people tell me I am. Not good at pretending and making up stories. For me, it has always been the whole truth or nothing else. Emotion is to me, who I am at my worst, if I am crying! Happy emotion is when I am always smiling, but these two occasions have dented my strong pride and surely I can’t be going in the downward spiral?

What next? I need help and know how and where to get it, however it’s not as simple as that. Sometimes the most easiest things seem the hardest and this is one of those situations where it is hard.

Cancer Changed My Life. Pt 2

Published December 1, 2014 by shoutyourheadoff

As I entered the house, my first thought was to protect Mum from my fears. Her own fragile state of mind needed careful handling. I went into the lounge and sat down. We had some normal chit chat and then I got up to make some tea and sandwiches. As I entered the lounge with a tray in my hands, I saw immediately that Mum was having an epileptic fit and was frothing at the mouth. She was semi conscious.Once again,I felt that lonely dread,but quickly gathered my emotions and rang for an ambulance.It was the 2nd of April 2007. And it was about four in the afternoon. I followed the ambulance back to the hospital that I had had only left a short time back. My mind was  racing here and there. Loneliness engulfed me.In the rush to get to Mum to hospital,I had forgotten to call a family member for help. Mitesh was in North London and Rakhi was at her college. No one could have got to me in time except my sisters or Brother. But I didn’t want to panic anyone into rushing to the Hospital in case Mum got released soon from there.

My problems had taken a back burner. I didn’t know which way this was going to play. I had my pre assessment as well at the very same hospital tomorrow! How am I going to cope with all this and what is happening.Mum got admitted to Ward 9 west at the Hospital and she was on a drip and on oxygen. Her state of health was not good, but I had to leave her there and go home.

Early next morning,3rd April,I attended my pre assessment for my operation to remove one of my tonsils. Everything was arranged and then I went to Ward 9 west for my visit to see how Mum was. She was sat up in bed looking a little worse for wear,but better than yesterday. I sat down next to her and was immediately lost in deep thought.What is tomorrow going to bring? How bad is the cancer ? How long ? Can’t bear the thought. I’m already worried about how my family are going to cope without me. I’m worried deeply about Mum. She doesn’t have the mental capacity to cope. Her memory is not good. She has not been able to look after herself at all without any help. She doesn’t even dress herself like she used to. And then Tish and Rakhi. What will become of them? Try as I must, I can’t dispel these negative frame of my mind. I am numb with fear but having to show bravado that doesn’t exist ! Putting on a brave face is not easy in these circumstances.But try I must.

Late evening, I get ready to go back to an empty house.My thoughts are stuck in one place. Tomorrow, 4th April. Big day. I do my daily prayers and ask for guidance and strength to cope. I have not discussed my problems in detail with anyone as yet apart from Bipin. He knows my troubles up to a point. I haven’t told Tish or Rakhi yet.

I arrive at the hospital and go to Ward 3. I am being prepared for the operation that will determine the type of cancer and at what stage it is. I’m lying on the operating table and the nurses are chatting away nicely at me. I can’t remember when I fell asleep after the anathestic was administered. I can remember being woken up and told to sit up. There is only a slight soreness in my throat. I’m offered a cup of tea and some toast. I’ve got to eat.I’m also a diabetic.! About midday I’m told I can leave. The operation was successful,and results should be available in a few days.The numbness in my head doesn’t go away. The negative thoughts are never ending. All I can see ahead is doom and gloom.

As I enter Ward 9 west, I am once again forced to change my demeanour. Mum musn’t have any clue to my troubles. Her state of health hasn’t improved. She has already been here 3 days.I don’t know how much longer she will have to remain in hospital..She has many battles to overcome. And mine are just beginning !

I’m not about to be defeated though. I’ve already accepted that I have to fight this demon and win the battle ,and come out of it to move forward in our lives. The road is a long haul and so many obstacles to overcome.

Cancer Changed My Life Pt 1

Published July 3, 2013 by shoutyourheadoff

When I walked out of the consultant’s room and met Bally the senior Nurse,I knew that my whole life was about to change. Nothing was confirmed. No MRI scans had been done,no blood tests nor did I feel anything at all. No illness,no temperature,no blood pressure,no nothing apart from the fact that I found swallowing food difficult.

So Bally hands me a form to have an MRI scan within a week,and as we were coming up to the Easter bank holiday weekend,It was surprising how quickly Bally was able to arrange things. This is when I knew. As I had stepped out from the consultants room,I had known.And I was so afraid. My heart was pumping like a steam engine at full throttle.

Suddenly, there were a million thoughts running through my mind. Thoughts of my wife whom I call Mum. A son and my Daughter. Then there were my sisters, Brothers, in-laws and the list went on. Then they were about the house. Followed by a million what ifs.

I was dumbstruk. I got in the car and tears were welling up in my eyes. I’m asking that great Man in the heavens above..WHY me ? I was on autopilot.

I sat behind the steering wheel,started the car and drove out of the hospital car park.

On the way home,those thoughts running through my head were getting worse.I couldn’t possibly put them all down on paper.

I don’t remember when I got home. But I parked the car as I usually do,half on and off the pavement. I picked up the mobile from the dashboard and instinctively dialed a number I knew would respond.

When he picked up the phone, I immediately broke down. I couldn’t carry on.The lump in my throat felt like a large rock stuck there.It was choking me .

He was panicking at the other end of the phone.Very controlled as always.”What is the matter,I’m coming over”.”No I said”.First words spoken since I drove from the hospital. “I think I have Cancer “

I’m coming over” Again I said “No I need time to think. I’ll call you.”

Are you sure,I think you need someone.”

“I know but I need to be alone for a few minutes before going inside the house”

” OK ! Look if you need I’ll be there as soon as you call”

“Thanks, I know you will, bye for now”

And with that I ended the call. I sat for what seemed an eternity ,looking at the sky and the passing traffic. But in reality, I was there only a couple of minutes. I had to go home. I had left Mum by herself. She was ill herself and I’d been gone long enough. Time to get back to routine. I didn’t know then, but this one 20 minute appointment with Ear Nose and Throat specialist would change the course and thinking of my life ahead………………………..!

Daddy’s Girl

Published July 3, 2013 by shoutyourheadoff

I sit here and daydream of the future and how it seems that I can picture my wedding day

My Daddy walking me down the aisle

To meet my fate

I look over at him and see a single tear

He’s thinking he’s losing his baby

His biggest fear

But I love him more than ever on this day

So I look at him and blow a kiss his way

He has been there every single day of my life

He has been the provider through all my struggles and strife

I would be lost if he hadn’t shown me the way

I don’t know that I would have made it from day to day

I am so very lucky for all he has done

Out of all the Dad’s he’s the best one

I love you dad my best friend the mate,my soul, My Rock,ALWAYS

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Rakhi

Just One Day

Published September 19, 2011 by shoutyourheadoff

Just One Day

10 years ago I was an engine

Running on a fuel of abundance, love

Two little innocence

And my taker from the above

Inside the power is strong but the,

Evaporation around me

Is draining me,

Can’t find the right words

Speech has become vigorous for me!

So I pledge my existence

For the exchange and patience

I’m slowly but surely waiting

For Just One Day.

 

Now my trace is found

But never felt because of the

Bitter sweet bites

My happiness is profound

Now all I wait for is my Flight

But it never comes in time

A glance at the tick, my Grandfathers watch

We rise from our herds, at sunset,

To fight against

Politics and Rocks

So again,

I pledge my existence

For the exchange and mere patience

Immensely anticipating

For Just One Day!

 

Rakhi Joshi

 

Dedicated to My Father Anil Joshi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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