Category: Dreams and sleep

  • A Memorable Experience

    Some memories never fade; they linger in the quiet spaces of our minds, surfacing when we least expect them. This is one of those memories—an incident from 2010, when my wife and I were flying back from Mumbai, India. It was a journey that changed everything.

    We had attended a wedding before spending a blissful week in Goa. But beneath the joy of that trip, there was an undercurrent of concern. My wife was already at the onset of health issues that would go on to test us all, especially our family. We left for the airport, exhausted but ready to head home to the UK. However, traveling on staff tickets comes with its own set of uncertainties, and we soon found ourselves offloaded from our flight. The next available flight wouldn’t depart until 10 p.m., leaving us stranded at the airport at 11 a.m., weary and frustrated.

    With over fourteen hours of wakefulness behind us, exhaustion was creeping in—more so for my wife, whose health was fragile. Fortunately, one of her cousins had an apartment in Mumbai, and we decided to spend the waiting hours there. While I could sense the mounting tension, I did my best to hold it together for her sake. She managed to sleep for a couple of hours, and by evening, we made our way back to the airport.

    Finally, some good news—business class seats. It was a welcome comfort after an already taxing day. My wife, now in a wheelchair, was visibly drained. I, too, was beyond tired, but there was a sense of relief as we boarded. The flight took off on time, and as we settled into our seats, I allowed myself to drift into sleep.

    Then, barely two hours into the journey, I was jolted awake by a stewardess. My wife had suffered an epileptic fit and had lost consciousness. A call for medical assistance was made, and by sheer luck, three doctors were on board. One of them examined her and determined that her blood pressure and glucose levels were dangerously high. The co-pilot took me aside and informed me that we would have to divert to Dubai—the nearest airport.

    The moment the plane touched down, an ambulance was waiting. As my wife was rushed to the medical center, the reality of the situation hit me like a storm. The flight took off without us, leaving me alone in a foreign airport, my mind spiraling with worst-case scenarios. A hundred thoughts ran through my head, none of them comforting. But amidst the fear, there was a single hope—that she would wake up.

    And then, she did.

    As she opened her eyes in the stark white hospital room, she turned to me, confusion flickering in her gaze.

    “What are you doing here?” she asked. “Am I dead?”

    For a moment, I was taken aback. Then I realized—the pristine white walls, the nurses, the doctors in white coats—she thought she was in heaven. I almost laughed, despite everything.

    She was later transferred to a local hospital, where a thorough check-up, including a CT scan, revealed the truth—two lesions on her front temporal lobe. One from a mini-stroke she had suffered in 2005, the other from untreated epilepsy. It was a revelation that deepened the weight of what she had been silently battling.

    Throughout this ordeal, one unexpected presence stood by our side—the British Airways Area Manager. She remained with us, offering support beyond what duty required. In those dark hours, her kindness was a beacon.

    We eventually made it home, safe but forever changed. This experience left me questioning what unseen forces were at play that night, and what higher power might have been watching over us. Because, looking back, I know—it could have been much worse.

    I write this now because I dreamt of it. The memory surfaced, vivid and unshakable, taking me back to those uncertain hours. And with it came the reminder of my wife—her strength, her resilience, and the life we shared. She passed away in 2019, but moments like these keep her alive in my heart.

    Some memories never fade. Some stories demand to be told.

  • 1 Million Step Challenge-Week 3-4

    The challenge is still in full swing and I have managed to rack up over 250k steps in three weeks, which averages at 10k steps a day. That means I am on target to achieve over 300k steps by the end of July. The steps challenge is for between 500k to 1.7 million steps over a period of three months from July to September, which I am sure to have mentioned previously. I am feeling energetic and look forward to my walks with the Windsor&District Ramblers group. The walks are varied visiting all over Berkshire and beyond. The people I walk with are different on many of the walks so there is always the opportunity to meet new people and talk about different things. The age range is quite broad. Young and old alike, but some of the veteran ramblers’ fitness levels are way beyond mine, but I think I am getting there.

    These past couple of weeks have taken me on many new and well-trodden walks from my previous ones.

    I have walked in quite a few places in Berkshire and Buckinghamshire as well as a walk in the Hampshire town of Lymington, near the New Forest. Every time I went on a walk with the Ramblers or on my own, I felt I was discovering parts of the South that I never knew existed. I made mental notes about which walk would be my favourite, and quite often had to keep changing my mind as all the walks were in places I would love to visit again, going through woodlands and trails that have been rediscovered by the Ramblers all over the UK and made accessible to the public and I believe some 49000 miles of public access routes have been mapped through fields, private land, and the National Trust sites, gardens etc.

    If it weren’t for the wonderful work of the Ramblers and other walking organisations around the UK, these paths and trails and wooded trail walks would not exist.

    These are some of the photos that have helped me to reach the first milestone of 310k steps

    I’m into August now. And the steps target of an average of 10k per day is still on. In my next instalment, I will cover the number of steps achieved and where I have been to reach the daily goals.

  • 1 Million Step Challenge- week 2

    Day 12, Tuesday, took me on a walk with the ramblers group, to the Chess Valley walk in Amersham Buckinghamshire. This was led by Raj and Joyce. There were only four of us on this walk, which was not that easy for me as we had to climb up and down a couple of steep hills. However, I did manage to complete the walk and felt proud to have achieved this. Some of the scenery of the woods and valleys was very nice.

    Day 13 Wednesday. It was so hot today, that I did not leave the house until late evening and only went to the shops. Consequently the walking today was not my usual and the count was low. On Thursday 14th of July, the walk was arranged around the beautiful Virginia Water parkland and its large wonderful lake. Virginia Water has some very good paths to walk on a very nice cafe near a good picnic area under some large trees.

    Friday, we rested. and On Saturday 16th of July, the Ramblers group had arranged a trip with two walks in Lymington, New Forest, Hampshire. It was quite a warm day after the end of term so the roads were extremely busy and so was Lymington. The town was very busy. But the walk that I went on was for about 5 miles around the salt flats and marshlands. This area is a haven for birds and sometimes, unusual species can be spotted here.

  • 1 Million steps challenge- Day 6

    What a day. Today’s walk was a new area for me, which I was going to do with the Windsor & District Rambler’s Group. I have been doing these walks with the group since June 2nd 2022. We had a walk planned in Dedworth near Windsor, taking us into Fifield through fields and farmland with public access routes. The weather was just right. Not too hot and a slight breeze that kept us cool. We walked through fields of broad beans and also where some grains were growing, a variety that I am not sure of.

    The above photos show some of these fields. There was a lot more to see on our 7 plus miles walk. We went through polo playing fields where quite a few polo ponies were grazing and some were being exercised. And also through a small pig and sheep farm.

    As we went through all these wonderful open spaces, we came across a lane where there were some nice houses with wonderful gardens. And one of them, the owners were tending to their very large but well maintained garden, and were kind enough to invite us to take a look. They were an extremely nice couple and were very proud of the way they had kept their garden so well

    .

    And finally, before we made our way to the last stretch of the walk after more than two hours of traipsing through fields and lanes, crossing some roads as well. we ended up at Oakley Green Cemetary. This was a route through to the main road that would take us back to Tinkers Lane from where we had started our walk. More pictures …

    Now, this was the final leg of the walk, no pun intended! After more than 7 miles, a little worn and with some of us with aching feet, we made our way to the starting point, from we said our good-byes and departed, each to their own, until the next walk. And not too distant either as it is taking place at Burnham Beeches. More on that tomorrow!

  • Harmondsworth Moor – A Rural Idyll under a Flightpath

    I’m always on the lookout for new places to walk my dog. I have the attention span of a toddler and crave novelty. I am also an inveterate picker-upper of leaflets and at my library I took some about the Colne Valley Trail. I had been to some of the places before but hadn’t been […]

    Harmondsworth Moor – A Rural Idyll under a Flightpath
  • 1 million Step Challenge-Days 2-5

    The Precipice Walk by Jeff Buck is licensed under CC-BY-SA 2.0

    After my fruitful and enjoyable day 1, I had to take it easy and catch up on my life’s daily issues. But I still managed to walk 5383 and 8223 steps respectively. These were easy to achieve as I did some tending to the garden on a beautiful sunny day and caught up with tidying up.

    Today, the 4th of July, American Independence Day. I decided to go on a walk near my house which I had wanted to visit many many times but never got around to it. And I was in for a treat. This place has been here since 2000 and was developed by British Airways, which owns Harmondsworth Moor. I have reblogged an article from Hillingdon Libraries to enhance the true essence and history of this beautiful parkland. I hope that the information and historical data are interesting for my readers.

    As you can see, how beautiful the scenery looks under a shiny blue and white sky. This was my starting point and as walked along the paths, I saw unusual plants and grasses that grew wild all over. As I had never been here I was walking blindly as there were no clear signs or route markings. But discovering new places is a great feeling right?

    and above is proof of that natural beauty. I was stopping intermittently to take in the sites and take photos, instead of walking the [aths for my step challenge. Who wouldn’t? I was awestruck by the beauty so I couldn’t help it. I have had a really great evening walk. My step count photo shows that I achieved my goal for today.

    Also very happy to report that my total so far toward the million steps challenge is 43,063. Still on target and looking forward to discovering more of this beautiful country. Keep following for more of the same.

  • 1Million Steps Challenge-Day 1

    Photo by Quu1ef3nh Lu00ea Mu1ea1nh on Pexels.com

    Today 1st July 2022 is the start of my walking back to fitness campaign by taking on the 1 million steps challenge for Diabetes UK. I walked with the Windsor and District Ramblers and today’s walk was at The Thames and Winter Hill trail.

    Winter Hill has some spectacular views but before climbing the Hill, we traversed across a railway crossing and over a bridge crossing the River Thames at Bourne End, where our walk had started. The route was led by our very experienced leader Joyce. For me climbing the hill was a challenge that I did not relish, but I needed to do it to get some practice for future such walks. Although I managed to climb the Hill, with a few stops to get my breath back! Slowly but surely, I will get better at this.

    The descent downhill was steep but interesting too with the views of all the hills beyond and trees all around. We ended up on a flat main road, that took us to Marlow Town. We walked over a bridge across the river Thames towards a Church from where we ended up in a local park for a brief stopover for bathroom breaks. After this, we walked past the Church and down to Marlow Lock, where we took a lunch break for about twenty minutes. We were fortunate enough to see the Lock operating, with a couple of boats passing through. We had been walking for about two hours by this time and covered about 4 miles.

    From Marlow Lock, we made our way to the Thames Path through some fields with wonderful views of the river and the surrounding houses sitting nicely on the hills opposite our path. The final stage of the walk was on flat land through various gates along the riverside and this took us back over the railway crossing back to our car park in Bourne End. This was a beautiful walk, interspersed with interesting vies and conversations with the group members. I’m looking forward to my next walk, which is planned for 6th July, a Wednesday, in Dedworth near Windsor.

  • Walking Back to Fitness..Part 1

    My journey to walk back to fitness started in September 2021. I am on a mission to get my life back, enjoy every moment along the way and never give up. When a person becomes so ill, he or she may give up thinking they can’t carry on anymore. I probably felt the same in the beginning but I’m not for quitting. I always make an attempt at completing any task I take on and walking back to fitness to regain my life after getting Covid 19 was number one on my list.

    Here I will tell you about my challenges and walks since September 2021 and then I will write about the first major challenge I took on in March 2022. I will share some pictures of some of the wonderful trails and walks that I have already completed. And then in part 2, I will write about my new challenge for Diabetes.co.uk where I will attempt to reach a goal of half a million steps between 1st July 2022 and 30 September 2022. The challenge is for a million steps, but I have chosen a realistic half a million steps. Anything I achieve over my target will be a bonus.

    My first walk to get fit took place inside my house! Yes, I was able to walk from the lounge through in dining room and back via the kitchen into the lounge. I went round in circles walking as fast as possible and started with a five-thousand steps goal. It was difficult but I managed it and slowly moved into the garden where I did the same thing, creating a trail of circles on the lawn! This had to change so I started visiting the local Pippins Park where there was already a track laid out for walking or running. There is an outside gym which I also started to use. It was not long before I was achieving over five thousand steps during my walks. Somedays, when it was cold during the winter months, I found it difficult but not impossible, and I always had the house to fall back on.

    My walking challenge took me to various National Trust sites and Runneymead and the Magna Carta park were my favourites. The paths are well laid out and walking beside the River Thames is always a great bonus. I visited Claremont Gardens in Esher and Bookham Common in Maidenhead. The one I enjoyed immensely was Cliveden House. This place has great gardens but the house and Thames Path behind the big house is a beautiful place to visit. There are 45-minute boat trips taking in some spectacular scenery of the tower on top of Cliveden House, which has a golden glow when the sun shines on it. I visited many places of beauty and interest. And during the final week of March 2022, I visited FAro in Portugal where I completed my 31-day challenge. Phew!

    I have already mentioned my first challenge for Marie Curie Cance Care. That started on 1st March 2022 with 10k steps a day.

    This is in Laleham near Staines where I walked along the Thames path towards Ashford Middlesex, where some of the views are really beautiful as well as the Riverfront properties which have some spectacular views.

    The above photos are a sample of some of the places I visited. Walking not only improved my health with a significant weight loss but my mental health improved as I had the time for a lot of self-reflection and it gave me the opportunity to assess my then state of mind and where my life was headed. I would recommend walking to anyone that has the physical ability to do so. Although I started my walks alone with a good Audible book or some music, I found that joining a group called the Windsor and District Ramblers, which are part of the Ramblers.org site, gave me the chance to interact with like-minded people and have discussions along the way on many a varied subject. This made my walks interesting, and enjoyable. They recently celebrated 27 years as a local Ramling group.

    Some more photos from Faro in Portugal.

    From Tomorrow 1st of July 2022, I am starting my million-step challenge for Diabetes UK. I hope that my followers and new ones will support and encourage me along the way. See you all in the next chapter.

  • Walking Back to Fitness

    Photo by Yogendra Singh on Pexels.com

    In September 2021, I decided to get my fitness back. I had contracted Covid 19 in January 2021 and had spent 10 days in hospital in an isolation ward. Let me tell you, it was scary and very unpleasant, especially since I didn’t know that I would go home. My only contact was by video calls and I found that despite spending a short 10 days in the hospital, they were like 10 years to me. It was a lonely ward. No one was able to talk to each other due to distancing rules. There were 4 separate side rooms and 3 beds. The side room patients were in a bad way and during my stay, 3 patients died.

    So, upon my discharge, I was isolating for more than three months as my breathlessness was quite bad, but I was recovering slowly. I needed to get fit and be able to walk upstairs without getting breathless. By September 2021, the first jab had been administered and I was waiting for my second one. I started going out and began taking short walks. First a thousand, then two and so on until I knew that I could walk for at least an hour without stopping. And I began setting myself challenges where I would walk until I had to stop.

    By January 2022, my fitness was back to the old days, but I also needed to lose weight. In my previous blog “New Beginnings” I mentioned my goals, which I am still in pursuit of. I started to follow strict eating habits and took control of my diabetes status, which wasn’t that good. Fast forward to March 2022 and I took on a challenge for Marie Curie Cancer care to walk ten thousand steps a day for the whole of March for 31 days, and I am very happy to report that I did this comfortably by achieving more than the 310k target. In the coming days, I will publish more stories on how and where I achieved the 10k-a-day step challenge. I hope that my loyal followers and some more new ones will stay with me and encourage me to achieve my next challenge, starting in 01July2022. More on that later.

    This is my link to the million-step challenge that I will be taking on from 1st July 2022.
    step.diabetes.org.uk/fundraising/anil757

    Any donation however small will be appreciated greatly. Please follow my progress on the JustGiving page. Please share the link with your followers so that we can raise money and awareness for Diabetes. Thanking you all in advance…Anil

  • Coffee lovers

    Coffee is one of the beverages you can easily find anywhere you go in the world and mostly during the visit of any cities, countries… So, there are plenty of coffee shops and restaurants offering coffee on the beverage menu inside Nairobi city. You may have delicious coffee at any Java house, Art café… And […]

    Coffee lovers
  • New Beginnings- Conclusion

    Firstly, an apology to my followers and readers for not posting for over five weeks. I went on a vacation to Portugal for a week during the last week in March and then flew to Canada, where I stayed just over three weeks. I went to see my younger sister, whom I had not seen for nearly three years due to the Covid pandemic.

    As far as my journey during the past eight weeks is concerned, I am carrying on with the process to reverse my diabetes by losing weight and controlling my carb intake to bring sugar levels down. The weight loss has been maintained at 88kgs despite a little overindulgence during my vacation. This was something I could not control as I was being looked after and spoilt by my dear sister.!!

    I have to also mention that the walking journey of 300k steps for Marie Curie Cancer care went extremely well and I have achieved over 400k steps in total and raised £471 in the process. I went on some wonderful walks in Portugal and Canada to complete them. More on this in a new post later!

    I have now taken on the challenge of completing 500k or more steps in the million steps campaign run by Diabetes UK. This will take place from the 1st of July 2022 and finish in September 2022, so I have plenty of time, and I’m confident that I will achieve more than I have taken on, bearing in mind, how many steps I did in March 2022. I will be posting links and stories on my JustGiving page for Diabetes UK.

    Why am I taking on another challenge you may ask? Well, as you all know, I went through Cancer and also have diabetes and a heart condition. In taking up these challenges, I have been able to prove to myself that anything is possible, especially as my recovery from Covid 19 in January 2021 took its toll on my ability to walk even short distances. And as you have all witnessed from my posts, I managed to recover quite well and started to take on challenges to spur me on.

    Thank you to everyone who follows my journey, supports me with likewise content and encourages me along the way. I really appreciate all of you for taking the time out to read my story. I hope that I have kept all of you interested enough to stay the course and keep on following me.

    Thank You once again.

  • New Beginnings-Week 7

    I am one more week away from my goal of weight reduction and diabetes reversal. The good news is that my weight is halfway to my target and my sugar levels are doing ok, but not great. But I am not feeling dejected at the diabetes target, not being achieved in the eight week period. It is a tall order for such a dramatic achievement, and am certain that eventually,I will achieve my goal.

    I have had sleepless nights all week, possibly from long covid. It is one of the side effects of covid 19. I don’t like to make excused and say that my diet is being affected by sleepless nights. Although not sleeping enough has its own knock-on effects, I have not let this get in the way. It’s a tougher slog, but very doable. My exercise level has increased by 15 minutes from an hour. I’m still practising my walks to achieve the 10000 steps a day challenge that I am taking from the 1st of March, for the Marie Curie cancer care charity. I’m including the link for the donations if anyone wishes to do so. No pressure though!

    The mental state is good. I have found that meditating daily, even for short half-hour sessions can be very helpful in achieving the calmness of the mind, gaining perspective for your daily life and achieving your best potential. Mediating, for me, was quite difficult for me in the beginning because I could not concentrate my mind on the techniques. I say perseverance is the key, but the most important thing is either doing it alone in a quiet place or in a group session where everyone is on the same path. Good luck to all that may take on this very important part of our lives.

    Photo by Marcus Aurelius on Pexels.com

    So, this is my update for week 7. So close to my target and yet so far. But stay with me, as your continued support is my encouragement. Take care and be safe…….

  • New Beginnings-Week 6

    I should be jumping for joy. Six weeks into my diet to reverse my diabetes and lose at least 10 kilos of weight was in my sights. But, I am still level pegging with last week, but if the “myFitnesspal” app is anything to go by, then I should not get disillusioned. The prediction to come down to 77kilos is still on track.

    Here are images of some of my healthy option meals, which make up part of my daily intake with almond milk juices made with superfood mixes and blueberries, strawberries and kiwi fruit but not altogether as that would definitely spike my sugars.

    Sprouted Legumes salad only

    So above are some of the creations that keep me on track with the diet. As far as exercise goes, I am now achieving over 1 hour of elliptical training and between 6k to 7k steps, burning on average 700 calories.

    But the weight loss is slow, and it should suddenly start to go down. Mentally, I am coping better than I expected as doing this alone is hard work. To inspire me, I have signed up for the “Marie Curie Cancer charity by doing a 10000k steps challenge daily for the whole of March. Look out for my fundraiser, where I have set a target of 2000k pounds sterling.

    More next week…..until then, my dear readers take care and be safe.

  • New Beginnings- Week 5

    This week has been a big booster to my morale. I’ve lost 2kgs and come down to 89.1kg.

    This feels good because I am still on target with all my measurements, ie, Blood pressure, sugar levels all below or within expectation. I have to admit that on Saturday 5th February, I thought I would be struggling to keep to my target and diet, as I had been invited to a dinner by my brother and sister-in-law, to celebrate 45 years of marriage!

    So obviously, I did indulge a bit more than my normal daily intake. I was reading to get on the scales. But I gave my stomach rest on Sunday by just eating one main meal and a liquid breakfast of a superfood drink made from almond milk and blueberries. I am using, or rather trialing for myself a superfoods powder made by Nutriseed. This one drink in the morning gives me enough nutrients, protein and carbs until lunchtime.

    I also have to bring back my state of mind because we all know how food affects mood swings. Well, mine does anyway, and I did have an episode for two days, where I was down in un dumps and couldn’t easily pick myself up. I couldn’t really work out what was weighing me down, and it came quite suddenly. However, I did some meditation, mind searching, and deep breathing exercises to overcome my problems. I still don’t know what had happened to make me feel like this. It was a debilitating type of feeling, constantly questioning myself. And did I find the answer? NO ! and that is a little frustrating because if it happens again, I want to be able to deal with it quickly.

    On a positive note, I am receiving positive feedback from the readers of my journey, so thank you to all the comments and likes, which only encourages me to get that goal.

    Until week 6 then……….!

  • 5 Reasons You Have Haters

    Many of the greatest, most tender-hearted, and level-headed people I know have a pack of haters behind them. And many of them don’t understand why. Down through the years, I’ve heard them ask, “What did I ever do to them?” or “I know I’m not a bad person and I treat everyone how I would […]

    5 Reasons You Have Haters
  • New Beginnings-Week4

    Back so quick after my delayed input last week. The diet is still on track and today’s weigh-in showed the same small difference as last week, which is just under a kilo. The blood pressure and sugar readings have steadied markedly. I.E Blood pressure is normal and sugar levels are below 8 every day. This means I am feeling much better in myself, and my hands are not as shaky as before.

    My exercise regime is continuing with me having added an elliptical trainer to my equipment along with a different static bike which I was lucky enough to source from Facebook for only £15! Yes, £15 only. I can’t believe it myself as they are both very good makes.

    What about my food? Well, I did lapse once during the week and had too much carbohydrate in the diet. The dreaded plate of chips. I have been very good though, having almost taken bread and potatoes out of my diet, replacing it with pasta made from peas, adding a small sweet potato or butternut squash. all within acceptable limits, otherwise I will be fighting a losing battle.

    And my mental well being has been tested once more as the quest for my goal continues and without going into detail, just like buses, trouble comes in three’s. Maybe, when I am up to revealing things, I might write in a future week. But for now, it’s locked away. I know that the readers of my story will be keen to learn what has happened, but do not worry. It is all in hand.

    I was encouraged to seek employment today by, someone, I know through Facebook and so I took the steps necessary and created a CV. It’s very short as I was employed for 35 years with the same company!

    And to top that, I was in conversation with a car mechanic about fixing my daughter’s car and we got chatting about things. He asked me if I would like to work for him in an admin capacity 3 to 4 days a week. I am truly blessed is how I feel, when an opportunity comes knocking at your doorstep.

    My next write up should be with more good news I hope. Until next week…..!

  • New Beginnings-Week 3

    Once again a delay in my update. I’m almost into week 4! The diet has been going well and the progress is slow but on track. Another kilo down, with eight more to go. The App I am using has predicted a that I should weigh 83.1kg in five weeks if I carry on the way I am doing. It has been tough though. There are moments when I feel so down, I feel like just stopping and enjoying what I have left. Then, my thinking process brings me back to my goal. I keep reminding myself that if I want to enjoy life as I want to, then having a healthy body, and mind will be better than struggling through. For example,I had covid in early January of 2021, and the breathing problems I had after I got discharged, were so frustrating and debilitating, that it was at this low point that I had made up my mind to get fit again. The exercise regime I followed was as recommended by the physio at the hospital, and I persevered. Not being able to climb the stairs without getting breathless to walking continuously for over an hour on a treadmill and using the indoor cycle, gave me the boost I needed, mentally to achieve this goal I have set for myself. When I said, it’s been tough, this is mainly because of maintaining a single person diet that is enjoyable, interesting and not hard to cook or create. I’m learning new tricks, creating my own recipes that suit my lifestyle and taste. For example, I created a scrambled tofu recipe, with peppers, tomato and onions, with garlic as optional to have in a wrap or on toast or by itself.

    The exercise routine has been hard to keep up it this week because of family demands. But I am now on track again since today. I invested in a static cycle and elliptical trainer. Now I have to make use of them daily by setting myself goals.

    What is my mental/emotional status? That’s one for later. I believe that if the mindset falters, all goals fall by the wayside. And I must say that doing things alone is doable but harder I think. It’s like not being able to show someone your pride in yourself for your achievements, getting that well done pat on the back. Sounds egotistic right? It’s my state of mind. Although these things don’t normally bother me, when the gloom button hits the mind, so does the negative thinking get worse.

    Let’s see what week 4 brings…..soon

  • New Beginnings-Week 2

    I am a few days late updating my log of the story of the new beginnings. But better late than never, I say. Seriously, though, due to bereavements in the family and covid related illnesses, my focus was elsewhere. Thankfully, it wasn’t me who had the Covid symptoms but a family member. I still managed to keep to my diet and although I did not get the desired weight loss, I am on track.

    Emotionally, it’s been a tough two weeks. Nothing to do with the diet though. I learnt yesterday, that a childhood friend of my wife has lymphoma- cancer of the glands in the neck and is seriously ill. I’m praying for her daily now. The news came as a shock to me. I had not heard from her for nearly a year and I was feeling a bit peeved at not receiving any contact. But I haven’t stopped castigating myself for this feeling I had towards her and am constantly berating myself. You never know the circumstances of someone and having negative views had made me rethink how I feel about close friends who have not stayed in touch. Maybe, they are thinking the same as I am, because I didn’t stay in touch either.

    So I managed to lose only another half a kilo, but small losses over the eight-week target should show the result I am after which is a 10-kilogram weight loss and a possible very positive result with my diabetes’ reversal progress. I have maintained my exercise regime of walking, indoor cycling and stretching daily.

    I also learned from other people who have had strict regimes in their lifestyle. Like eating freshly cooked homemade meals everyday, within diet limits. No junk food or outside sourced food at all. Three meals a day and the last meal of the day should be 6.30pm latest. After that, early to bed for a minimum eight hours sleep. Apparently, the brain works even harder during our sleep, so this is most important for the brain and body to get a really good night’s sleep.

    The above is very hard to follow in today’s busy lifestyles. Maintaining a certain strict regimen in your life takes some doing, especially if you’re in a family unit that has differing dietary needs. But now that I have managed to bring some form of regular eating and exercise habits in my life, I am feeling much better. My body doesn’t ache anymore and my moods are much better, meaning I have clearer thinking through the day. I feel confident, better about myself and look forwards to getting up. I enjoy cooking, experimenting with new dishes that are not fattening, but definitely wholesome.

    Looking forward to write my next update again in week 3…….

  • My Emotional State -Revisited

    The last time I wrote about my emotional state was way back in 2017. Almost five years now, and the rollercoaster of emotions is still in full flow. For everyone, and myself and my family, the past two years have been very difficult indeed due to the Covid pandemic and subsequent lockdown.

    Going backward, I talked about my wife who was very ill and had been given a maximum of 5 years to live. Unfortunately, she passed away in August 2019. And then about 9 months later, my eldest sister passed away, at the end of April 2020. Many other relatives have died too, but sometimes,in times of your own grief, even this is difficult to talk about. It was already a difficult time and losing family members at the very difficult time of the Covid 19 lockdown was harder as people were not allowed to say goodbye to loved ones in the hospital. Added to that, funerals were a maximum of 10 attendees. My emotional state in 2017 wasn’t revealed fully. As humans, we often can’t open up fully about our emotions and when they are heightened, then it’s even more difficult. I was hoping that I wasn’t going to use the word”depression” or “depressed”. Owning up that there is something seriously wrong with your mind, and body and feelings don’t come easily, because acceptance of that fact by the self is the first step. I wanted so much to open my mind to someone professional or even a close friend or a stranger even. Things building up needed to come out, but the bottle top was tightly shut and wasn’t budging. The days going forward got harder and I was putting on the biggest pretense of my life. I was behaving normally every day, and little did people know what was really happening inside. I should have won an Oscar for my performance from 2017 till even now in 2021.

    When I look back and analyze what was going wrong, it makes me too emotional. I was dealing with a lot of traumatic incidences in my life, and also learning to be a full-time carer to someone who was the most active, exuberant, lively, happy-go-lucky person that I had the pleasure of knowing and being a husband to. When someone, whose personality I have just described goes into a serious illness and isn’t able to even look after her basic needs is in a more emotional upheaval than yourself. So then, how could I have shown my softer side that was also killing my thought process? It was killing my feelings. It was killing how I interacted daily, especially when I had to put on an act. It was killing me physically too as I wasn’t taking care of my own health. And the heart problem I had in 2016 was a reminder of how quickly one’s life can take a drastic turn. It could have been fatal, but I survived.And thankfully too. Because I always think, about how my wife would have coped if I hadn’t been around. I am forever thankful to God for saving me and making me be a carer to someone, whom I had loved with all my heart and spent 40 happy years with.

    You know, watching someone die daily in front of your eyes is extremely hard. Because you feel so so helpless. You can go about your daily life, wishing, praying, looking for a miracle, and knowing that it’s not coming.

    Back to my emotional state. Back in 2017, I was in a bad state, and now in 2021, I am in the same state, but coping better. Losing my wife was tough and every lonely second makes it tougher. I am quite a strong-minded person and usually deal with all my problems, even though I know that I need to get that help, which we all know is out there. I took that step once, guided by my elder brother, who took it upon himself to book me a free session. I went to the counselor. Before reaching her office, I had my trepidations but went there anyway. I sat opposite her, having been made comfortable and relaxed. As the questions came, with an invitation to say what I needed to, without being led there, I had already broken down into my second or third sentence. I tried to compose myself. It was no good. That pent-up emotion was bubbling out fast, making me hurt even more. I couldn’t carry on. I had to excuse myself, to use the bathroom hoping to go back and start afresh. No way. It was not happening. I thanked the nice lady and decided to leave. When I sat back in the car, I broke up again. I knew what was wrong. I knew what was getting into my head. I knew this was the path to take. Cry. Weep. Sob, whatever, just get back in there and start again. Instead, the demon that has been destroying my insides, won. I drove off.

    Can you imagine how I was feeling of late? If I can’t talk to a professional, then who?

    I know that what I have bottled up needs to escape from within. It going to hurt something crazy. But I have to do it, or the pent-up emotions, feelings, state of mind are going to destroy the essence of my soul.

    I’ve got a set of oracle cards given to me by my daughter a couple of years ago. They are called “Messages from your Animal Spirit Guides”. I am a bit of a sceptic when it comes to horoscopes and similar types of cards, eg, Tarot cards. However, I have had surprising results on many an occasion. I saw the box lying on the kitchen counter and decided to pick three random cards after a good shuffle. And the animals that would be my spirit guides came out as “PUEO”(poo-ay-oh) which is a hawaiian owl. The short message on the card was “your spirit guides are offering guidance now, so pay close attention to signs and omens from them”

    There is a full explanation in the guide book that accompanies the cards. I was quite surprised by this card as it was telling me that I was being guided by some ancestors that have died, no matter when and how old. I lost my brother-in-law on the 5th of January 2022. How odd. My wife died on 5th of August 2019. So who is guiding me . I have been in a quandary about a personal matter that I have not dealt with yet. There have been many deaths in the family in the past 25 years or so. And so it could be anyone, but I feel, it may be someone I think of daily.

    My second card was a Penguin. “the period of darkness you have been experiencing is passing” read the short message. When I read the full explanation, I was again aghast with surprise. without going into great detail, it told me everything that I have been trying to write about in this emotional rollercoaster of mine. Almost to the letter, there were things in there that came up that were and have been part of my upheaval and healing process. It talked about all the hardships and challenges I have been experiencing of late. It talked about the loss of loved ones. It talked about daily difficulties. And so it went, revealing a surprising amount of what my emotional state is all about. Maybe, these words in the guide will help me do the self healing?

    And the final card was a Weasel. The short note read “be silent, pay attention and simply observe with your eyes, ears, and physical feelings what is happening inside and all around you”. The detailed content in the guide talked about the stuff I have endured so far and how I should take a deep breath and another and another and then listen to my enviornment , my body, the feelings I have etc. As I had dealt myself these three random cards, and being the non -believer that I can be, I felt a little energised. I felt maybe, even though these are just oracle cards, maybe, there is some thruth in what each one portrays. For me, it was exactly what is, and has happened in my life so far. I don’t intend to pull another three cards tomorrow, but the temptation remains in the form of intrigue.

  • Photo Challenge: Chaos

    via Photo Challenge: Chaos

    It’s 6.30 in the morning and I know I have got to get up off the bed and start my daily ritual.But instead, I press the snooze button on the digital alarm and wait with eyes closed for the next beep beep beep to wake me from my much-needed rest.And sure enough there it goes beep beep beep. I angrily press the stop button and rise off the bed . I get up angry most mornings at the moment. The days are long but filled with trepidation.I don’t look forward to the days. I would rather sleep and forget there ever was, any daylight.

    First task, now what was that. Maybe it’ll come to me when I’m brushing my teeth. So off I go to the bathroom and follow my daily ritual, all the time my mind is trying to recall what I was supposed to do. I must have in on the post-it- note in the kitchen for sure. I’ll look when I go down to make my coffee. I’m in the kitchen and put on the kettle to boil. Now where is that post-it -note.? Ah, there it is stuck to the fridge. Get medicine ready for the day. But why? Whose are these ? My mind is in all directions. I haven’t made that coffee yet. Maybe, just maybe after I have had a wake me up caffeine shot, My mind will work better. As I get the mug from the shelf, the phone rings. I better pick that up. It’s another call from some company trying to make me sigh up for something or the other. Without hanging up, I place the phone on the kitchen counter and go back to my task. Now, what was I doing ? Ah, yes coffee. something’s working . So I make that coffee and go back to the phone. Poor bloke is still blabbering on . I put it back on the kitchen counter and walk to the lounge. Now why have I come here ? I am not dressed. The time is only half past seven. I sit down lethargically. No urgency in today. Thinking about this increases the anger. I look blankly at the blank tv screen whilst sipping my coffee.Did I turn it on ? Questions follow questions.I could sit here and think about all the whats and whys and wheres and who etc. It’s something I do a lot now with no clear direction.This is now normal for me. I think I will go back to my world of sleep because my mind is in chaos|

    inline-the-company-chaos-you-dont-know-youre-creating

  • Daily Prompt: Eerie

    via Daily Prompt: Eerie

    I suddenly woke up in the morning a few mornings ago. Something different about the feel around me. Too silent. Then I realised that there must be a power cut as the ceiling fans were not turning. The small lamp in the corner was off too, which was unusual as it’s always on through the night. There was a dull and dark feeling in the room.

    I got out of bed gingerly as I had a slipped disc and needed to be careful. I noticed that the freezer in the kitchen was off too. Then I realised that there must be a power cut, so I got the keys and with my walking stick and night slippers on, I went out to see if it was a powercut all around the neighbourhood. I knocked on my neighbour’s door and before I could ask the question, Lorraine said yes, it is a power cut. I exchanged a few pleasantries and then said goodbye and walked back to my house.

    When I got back insideI got my mobile phone to call the energy supply company but I could not get a signal. The home phone was unusable due to the power cut. So once again, I walked carefully to the front door and into the porch. The inner door was ajar by at least a foot.

    I found the energy company’s phone number and called them As I was doing so, I faced out of the porch to see if the signal was better. Eventually, I got a signal and the phone started to ring out. All of a sudden, the inner door shut behind me as if somebody had pushed the door shut ! I was locked out as I had left the keys on the kitchen counter. How will I get back inside? I am in my slippers and my pyjamas stuck in the porch ! I called the house phone to call my wife but of course, it wasn’t working. Suddenly I remembered I had a credit card in the mobile phone’s sleeve. I was already feeling like a burglar and standing up straight was difficult due to the back pain. I put the card in the gap where the latch was and fiddled about until the door opened. What a relief. I immediately sat down on the armchair and breathed a sigh of relief, and then the eerie feeling dawned on me. How did the door slam behind me?

    I remembered other small incidents in the past few days too. Like a loaf of bread falling from the top of the bread bin onto the kitchen counter. An empty plastic bottle that was left on the window sill for recycling had also dropped to the floor.Strange noises throughout the day as well, especially when it was quiet. I could hear somebody walking upstairs and always thought it was my wife  but when I checked, it wasn’t her.Each time I was alone downstairs in the living room!

    Now if that is not  eerie what is !

  • Trust, power, and coercion

    When my nearly adolescent children were cute little babies, strangers seemed drawn to rub my children’s fuzzy heads and squeeze their little cheeks. I could understand the impulse; my childre…

    Source: Trust, power, and coercion

  • Worn Out Souls: A Story of Synchronicity

    largesoulcontractby takingthemaskoff

    People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

    If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

    If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies.Succeed anyway.

    If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you. Be honest and frank anyway.

    What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight. Build anyway.

    If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

    The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway.

    Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give the best you’ve got anyway.

    You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.

    • Mother Teresa

  • Explore and Discover day at British Airways Engineering

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    A great day out at the Explore and Discover day at the Engineering base at Heathrow. Amazing presentations and shows lined up for all tastes. I particularly enjoyed the simulator experience that my son and grand daughter went on. Also managed to get Harsha on it as well. The sun was out, atmosphere fantastic and very enjoyable. Saw a Michael Jackson tribute act…I’m sure after seeing this ,he’s in hiding somewhere!!!

  • To Sleep ,Perchance to Dream

    I went to bed quite late the other night. I was on a very early start for work and needed a much deserved sleep prior to facing another challenging day. As I lay in bed looking at the ceiling where luminous stars had been stuck to imitate the starry night outside, my mind kept wondering to a what if situation. I kept thinking back to 1972 when I first landed in my country of residence with only the clothes on our backs. My mind was wondering if I had settled somewhere else instead of Leicester, where would I be today. I had started work at the tender age of fifteen and a half ! I had lied to get the job and told them I was sixteen.

    So I suddenly wake up, or had I slept at all even? I could not for the life of me close my  eyes and not think of “what If”.

    And the what if’s of our lives can bring either miserly depression or a happiness not known to me . I kept thinking about my place of residence. What if I had moved to my choice area.But I needed consent. I was brought up in a house where even as an adult, I would seek permission do do even the simplest of things,like make a decision. A decision that would have changed my life and those around me. The stars were bright again. They shone in the darkness of the room. My eyes were open again. A quick glance at the wall clock. 03.30 am. ! Two hours and I’m at work.

    Eyes closed again. Thoughts are astray, it’s that “what if ” question again. And so many of the what ifs keep trundling through my brain like a runaway train. It’s non stop. I can’t apply the brakes because  I like the what ifs. They are much better than my current status. So what if wins for tonight. It’s taking over my life tonight.

    Another bright star in my eyes. It’s bright yellow. But still on my bedroom ceiling.Another wish shattered. I think a cloud should hide them stars. Maybe it should rain while I’m looking up. I’ll wake up drenched and see reality.

    The time is 4.45am Time to jump out of bed as the alarm goes off in unison to my thoughts. As I open my eyes for the millionth time tonight, the over whelming” what if” comes back to haunt me. I know the rest of my sleep depraved day is going to keep the” what if” alive and well.!!

    I take a deep breath. I look around. Rub my eyes and look at the ceiling. Tired, yes but not out yet. Then it suddenly dawns on me ( no pun intended) . What if this was just a dream. !14Wei_portrait01_20150310